


Losing My Religion

by Borderline_is_trichy



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Fear of Death, Gen, Gun Violence, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Questioning, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-08 00:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10374009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borderline_is_trichy/pseuds/Borderline_is_trichy
Summary: Carisi has a breakdown and for the first time, has doubts about God and himself. He finally opens up, and finds comfort in ADA Rafael Barba.





	1. You Are Not Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This is my first SVU fic, as well as my first fic on AO3! I'm trichupmysleeve on tumblr. This fic is Barisi, but for now it's mostly a hurt!Sonny and comfort!Rafael. There won't be too much religious content. Please let me know if I've made any big mistakes, or if I've offended anyone. I'm made Carisi 30 and Barba 45, even though it shouldn't really matter.

_Oh life, it's bigger_  
It's bigger than you  
**And you are not me  
The lengths that I will go to**  
The distance in your eyes  
**Oh no, I've said too much**  
I set it up

 

 

 

“Did you get him?” Benson asked.

 

“No. The bastard got away. All that running for nothing,” Fin said.

 

“Yeah, not to mention now the guy knows we’re after him. We’ll never catch him now,” Carisi said, bitterly.  

 

“Hold up, Carisi. We still have the bartender. That guy is bound to visit that bar again soon. We can give the bar our photo, and when he shows up again, they can call us,” Rollins said.

 

“Yeah, a grainy black and white photograph. We’ll probably get more false alarms from that.”

 

“That photograph lead us to him! And we know the direction where he ran, so we might be able to get more pictures from the traffic cams,” Rollins argued. 

 

“Perfect. Video proof of us failing to catch him,” Carisi said back.

 

“Everybody calm down. Get the traffic cam footage, canvas the area, send the perp’s picture to the local precinct, and go to some of the local business owners and see if they recognize the guy. Maybe there’s a coffee shop he frequents and we can get credit card info,” Benson ordered.

 

As the detectives left Benson’s office, Benson patted Carisi’s shoulder. “We’ll find this guy, Carisi.”

 

“We were so close. We almost got him. I just couldn’t cut him off,” Carisi said, sadly. 

 

“Not every chase is successful. Kasey is on her way here now to look at a photo array. Barba will be down here soon, too, to get details. Go grab some coffee and check out the traffic cam footage.”

 

“Copy that.”

 

Carisi sat at his desk and rubbed his temples. His head was killing him, and staring at his computer was making it worse. He was exhausted. And chasing that bastard had made him more tired.  

 

Their vic, Kasey, was at a bar Saturday night, and was attacked in an alley a couple blocks away around 2 am. The guy had pulled her underwear down, but that’s as far as he got. Kasey put up a fight. She scratched him and elbowed him in the neck pretty hard, giving her enough time to run away down the street to a free cab, and called 911 from there. They got DNA from her fingertips, but of course there was no match. All they had was an image from the camera at the bar’s entrance. Luckily, the bartender recognized the guy as a local and said that he had seen him in the area numerous times before.  

 

Carisi sighed and took a sip from his coffee. The footage he was looking at showed the perp running and Carisi chasing after him. The camera showed that he could’ve cut the guy off if he had ran down a side street. That street curved and intersected the main road the perp was running down.  

 

He almost took that road. He knew it would cut the guy off. But then he was unsure. So he just kept running. And then he lost him.

 

_“They lost the perp because of me,”_ Carisi thought _. “And now he’s probably gone for good. How the hell do I explain that to Kasey? How to I explain that to the chief? The case is going to go cold, and then in a few months it will come back, after the guy attacks another girl. Why didn’t I go with my gut and take that side street?”_

He sighed and rubbed his neck, wishing he was in his bed, sleeping. His body had apparently gotten days and nights mixed up; he couldn’t sleep at night, but was sleepy during the day. 

 

_“Maybe it’s the caffeine…”_

“Detective Carisi?” 

 

Carisi looked up. “Hey, Kasey. Sorry to drag you down here in the middle of the day.”

 

“It’s okay. Lieutenant Benson told me you guys have a lead?”

 

“Uh, yeah. Sort of. Let’s talk in here,” he replied, walking with her to the interview room. 

 

_“We **had** a lead,” _ Carisi thought, knocking on Benson’s door. She looked up. “Kasey’s here in interview.”

 

“I’ll be right there.”

 

Carisi grabbed a pad and pen, as well as some water for Kasey. “Thank you,” she said, taking the cup. 

 

“Kasey, thank you so much for coming in,” Benson said, walking into the room with her ipad, shutting the door behind her. “I’m going to show you a photo array, and I want you to tell us if you recognize any of them.”

 

She flipped though a couple of photos. “That’s him,” she exclaimed, pointing.

 

_“Damnit,”_ Carisi thought. There was a big part of him that was hoping the guy they chased wasn’t the right one, that he was like, a pot dealer or something, and that’s why he ran from the police. But no; Kasey picked out a photo they just received from one of the traffic cameras of the guy they chased…and lost.

 

“He’s the one that attacked you?” Carisi asked. 

 

“Yes. I’m sure. I recognize the piercing. You guys found him?”

 

“Well, sort of,” Benson started. “We found him in the same neighborhood where you were attacked this morning. He ran from us.”

 

“Didn’t you guys run after him?”  

 

“We did. I almost got him, but he was faster than me,” Carisi confessed. 

 

Kasey gave him a sharp look. “ _You_ lost him? Are you serious? You’re a cop! Your job is to run after these guys.”

 

“Kasey, I’m sor-“

 

“I have been able to sleep! Do you know what it’s like? Being exhausted but not able to sleep? Afraid to leave the house? Constantly checking over your shoulder? Your heart racing so fast you think you’re having a heart attack?”

 

_“Yes I do…”_ Carisi thought, thinking back to when Sergeant Cole almost killed him. He felt his heart pounding.

 

“You lost him. And instead of looking for him, you were sitting on your ass at your desk! Do you guys even care? What-“

 

“Of course we care!” Carisi shouted, standing up. “Do you have any idea how _hard_ our job is? Every day, we risk our _lives_ for you guys! Some of us get _killed_ for you. Can you imagine that, Kasey? Going to work every day, praying you don’t get _shot_? Our families, constantly worrying about us?”

He thought of Dodds, and Sergeant Cole.

 

 “We’ve been busting our asses looking for this guy, who didn’t even rape you! You should be grateful that you had the strength to fight back. Most don’t, especially children.”

 

He thought of that hockey player, Jack.

 

“You’re lucky you survived. You should be thanking God instead of sitting here, yelling at us. We’re the ones in danger, here. Not you.”

 

Carisi was shaking, trying to catch his breath.

 

“Detective Carisi,” Benson said, using her interrogation voice. “Do NOT make me tell you again. Leave. Now.”

 

Carisi winced, and left, slamming the door behind him. He made a beeline for the crib, relieved that it was empty. He sat down on a cot, and stared at his shaking hand. 

 

“ _Oh God. What did I just do?”_  

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. That's Me in the Corner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated! My thesis has been killing me! More angst!Carisi and comfort!Barba in future chapters!

**_That's me in the corner_**  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no, I've said too much  
I haven't said enough

 

 

Barba walked into the squad room straight to Benson’s office. 

 

“Did the vic ID him?” he asked, without looking up from his phone.

 

“Yes, but we might not have a case.”

 

Barba looked up from his phone with a confused look. “What do you mean?”

 

Benson shut her office door. “Kasey just stormed out of here, threatening to sue NYPD, and I honestly don’t blame her.”

 

_“Oh, God,”_ Barba thought. _“Just what I need.”_

“What happened?”

 

“Carisi…well…yelled at her,” Benson said, taking a seat behind her desk.

 

“Carisi? Yelled? He’s seemed… more tense lately. You saw him when he yelled at me outside the courtroom yesterday. What happened, exactly?”

 

Benson sighed. “Kasey was upset that we lost the perp. She started yelling, saying that we weren’t doing enough, and, well, Carisi snapped. He told her she was ‘ungrateful’ for the people who risk their lives every day. He also yelled at her and told her she should feel lucky because she wasn’t actually raped.”  

 

_“That’s bad…”_

 

“That’s not like him. To yell at a vic? Is there something going on that we don’t know about?”  

 

“I can’t answer to that. I’m waiting for Dodds to call me and tell me that we’re being sued,” Benson said, shaking her head. 

 

Barba pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew he’d get a call from the DA, and maybe the mayor, about this. He hoped he wouldn’t have to get involved in an investigation.

 

“Did you talk to Carisi yet?” Barba asked. 

 

“Not yet. I wanted to give him time to cool down.”

 

“Is he still here?”

 

“I don’t know. He stormed off towards the crib,” Benson replied, standing up.

 

Barba stopped her. “Let me talk to him first. Lawyer to lawyer.”

 

***

 

Carisi sat on a cot, shaking. He was trying to catch his breath, but couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried.  

 

His career as a detective was over. He knew it. And there would probably be a lawsuit. All because of him. Because he couldn’t handle the stress. What was wrong with him? He was held at gunpoint, so what? Every cop has been held at gunpoint. Most cops have been shot before, and they could handle it. Fin, Rollins, and Liv have been here longer and they’re fine. So what was wrong with him?

 

He was weak. 

 

He wasn’t good enough.

 

He wasn’t tough enough.

 

He remembers when his father found out that he was being bullied. He yelled at him, told him to ‘man up’ and fight back. That he was his namesake and had to show he was tough. 

 

He remembers that when he was at the hospital with cuts all over his face, his father was yelling at him for crying. 

 

_What are ya cryin for? It’s just a couple of cuts! Hold still! You’re wastin’ the doctor’s time. Maybe if you knew how to fight back, we wouldn’t be here. This is a good lesson for you._

Carisi pulled out his rosary. He closed his eyes and started to recite the Lord’s prayer.

 

He couldn’t finish it. He kept thinking of that ‘rapist anonymous’ group and how they would recite that prayer. 

 

Tears were falling down his face. He tried to recite Hail Mary, but couldn’t remember what came after “Hail Mary, full of grace.”

 

He let out a frustrated sigh, and threw the rosary across the room.

 

_I thought that I heard you laughing_  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try

 

Barba walked in to the crib and a saw a necklace go flying across the room. He shut the door to the crib and walked over to it. He picked it up. 

 

It was a rosary.

 

He looked to his left and saw Carisi, sitting on a bed in the corner, head in his hands. 

 

Sobbing.

 

Barba took a deep breath and slowly walked over to him. He held the rosary out towards Carisi.

 

“Uh…this is yours?” Barba asked, awkwardly. 

 

Carisi wiped his tears on the back of his hand. “I don’t want it. It doesn’t work anymore.”

Barba gave him a confused look and sat down next to him. “What do you mean?”

 

Carisi didn’t answer. He took a deep breath and sat up. He stared straight ahead. “Why are you here? To yell at me? To tell me I screwed up and that my career is over? That I should’ve taken that job in Brooklyn? Did the DA call you, or the mayor, and tell you one of your cops fucked up and the city is facing a lawsuit? Are you here to tell me, for the millionth time, that I’m an idiot? That I don’t know how to do my job? That-“

 

“Carisi, hold up. When have I ever called you an idiot?” Barba said, confused with a hint of annoyance. 

 

“It doesn’t matter when-“

 

“Yes it does, because I know I’ve _never_ called you an idiot. I never even thought you were an idiot.”

 

Carisi didn’t respond. 

 

“Carisi…” Barba said, softly. “What the hell is going on?”

 

Carisi put his head back into his hands and choked back a sob. Barba leaned forward onto his knees, so he was level with Carisi.  

 

Barba hesitated at first, but gently reached out and put his hand on Carisi’s shoulder.  

 

“I can’t do it…” Carisi mumbled. 

 

“Do what?” Barba asked softly. 

 

“I’m not good enough. I never was and never will be. I’m not cut out for this…”

 

“Carisi, what do you mean?”   

 

“It started with that girl. Keisha. The one Liv and I found in the dog cage. She died and it wasn’t fair. I remember I kept thinking about how she felt, trapped in a cage.”

 

Fresh tears started falling down Carisi’s face. 

 

“Then Liv was held hostage in that townhouse. And then that stuff happened with the Church, at St. Fabbiola’s.”

 

Barba squeezed Carisi’s shoulder as he waited to Carisi to catch his breath. He remembered that case affecting Carisi the most. He doesn’t remember asking Carisi if he was okay after they finished the case. He figured Liv and the rest of the squad would’ve covered that. 

He heard Carisi let out a shaky breath. “Then Dodds died. I felt horrible about it.”

 

Barba took out one of his pocket squares and gave it to Carisi. “Why?”

 

“Because I was supposed to go with Liv. Dodds went just because he was a sergeant. I was supposed to get shot. I was supposed to be the one who got shot.”

 

“Carisi-“

 

“And then that thing happened with Sergeant Cole. I turned around, he was there, holding a gun to my forehead. I felt it. I never even heard him sneak up on me. I was so scared. I saw the look in his eyes. You can tell whether or not they’re gonna shoot you by the look in their eyes. I was terrified. I thought I was gonna die. Then I heard the gunshots. I felt blood on my face. I…”

 

Carisi let out a sob. He couldn’t continue that story. He looked down and stared at the handkerchief Barba had given him and fidgeted with it, not bothering to wipe his tears. He didn’t want to get it dirty. 

 

Barba had heard that Liv shot Cole because he held Carisi at gunpoint. But he didn’t know exactly how close Carisi was to getting shot. He seemed fine the next time he saw him. He never asked him about it. Again, he figured Liv had made sure Carisi was okay.

 

“And this last case…this hockey player. I was bullied as a teenager. I was hazed, too. I was skinny and scrawny. I wasn’t tough enough. I didn’t have an older brother to look out for me.”

 

Barba thought of Alex and Eddie. How they would come to his rescue when he was younger. 

 

“I would come home, crying. And my father would yell at me. Saying I wasn’t allowed to cry, because I was a boy. And that I deserved what I got, because I was making myself a target. That I wasn’t tough enough.”

 

Carisi took a shaky breath, still fidgeting with the pocket square. “That’s why I became a cop. To prove to my dad that I was strong. So he would be proud of me.”

 

Carisi starting crying again. “But he was right. I’m not strong enough for this job. I can’t do it. That’s why I went to law school. So I could do something else. But I kept telling myself that I could handle it, that the next case wouldn’t be as bad, that I’d be fine. But I’m not…”

 

Barba look at Carisi. He should’ve said something. Asked him how he was doing. He noticed he was different, but assumed the squad would take care of it.   

 

Carisi finally made eye contact. In his eyes was a mixture of pain, fear, exhaustion, sadness,…

 

And defeat.

“I just want the world to stop. I-I just want it all to stop. So I can breathe.”  

 

Barba immediately reached out and embraced Carisi, who sobbed into his chest. He started rubbing his back, trying to calm him down.  

 

“I can’t do this anymore…” Carisi sobbed into Barba’s chest. 

 

“Shh.. it’s going to be okay,” Barba said, gently. He didn’t really know what to do, so he just let Carisi cry.  

 

“Carisi, have you told anyone about this? About how you’re feeling?”

 

Carisi pulled away from Barba and shook his head, avoiding eye contact.

 

Barba sighed. “Why not?”

 

“Everyone’s busy,” Carisi mumbled.

 

“And what exactly do you mean by that?”

 

Carisi sighed. “Liv has Noah and is dealing with her breakup with Tucker. Fin is dealing with the loss of his unborn grandkid, and Rollins has Jesse and now Kim to worry about.”

 

Carisi rubbed the back of his neck. “I have nothing going on. I shouldn’t be the one struggling. There’s no reason-“

 

“Okay, first of all, just because other people have struggles, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to struggle yourself. It’s not a competition,” Barba stated. “Second of all, they’re your coworkers. Your _friends._ You’re all here to support each other. And third,” Barba paused for a second. “Why didn’t you come to me? I may not be a police officer, but I consider myself a part of your squad.”

 

Carisi looked at Barba. He sure hadn’t been expecting _that._ He chewed his lower lip. “I…I don’t know. I didn’t think of it.”

 

It was a lie. He had actually been scared that Barba would berate him, and tell him that if he couldn’t handle being a detective, then he sure as hell couldn’t handle being an ADA. Plus, he wanted Barba to think he was strong. That he would see him as an equal. And then maybe, just _maybe_ Barba would invite him out for a drink, or dinner, and then it would turn into more.

 

Carisi knew that wasn’t going to happen now. He had just sobbed all over Barba’s expensive suit. He literally just confessed to him that he couldn’t handle the stress that came with the job. Barba just saw him for who he is. 

 

A pathetic, crybaby who can’t fend for himself.  

 

But at least he got to feel Barba’s arms around him.

 

“Carisi, do you honestly believe that Liv, Fin, and Rollins haven’t had struggles with the job?” Barba asked. “Hell, I’ve struggled with my job.”

 

Carisi looked up at him. “Really?”

 

“Of course. These cases are tough. It’s perfectly normal to get upset. That’s why you should open up to the rest of the squad. Ask them how they cope. I’m sure they’ll give you some good advice.”

 

Barba reached out and squeezed Carisi’s knee. “What do you normally do when you’re stressed?” he asked Carisi.

 

“Pray. Go to church,” Carisi answered. “But…it’s not working anymore. Everytime I go to church and see the priest, all I can think about is what happened at St. Fabiola’s. I always think about whether or not this priest has raped anyone, or if he’s molested a little kid. I used to love going to church. Now I get sick to my stomach right when I walk in.”

 

Barba looked down at the rosary that Carisi never took back. “That must be hard,” he said softly. “Your only safe space not feeling safe anymore. What have you been doing instead?”

 

“Nothing,” Carisi sighed. “I’ve just been toughing it out, you know?”

 

“Carisi,” Barba said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “What would you tell a victim who told you that she was ignoring the fact that she had been raped, that she was ‘toughing it out’?”

 

Carisi rubbed his temples. “I would tell her that she should get counseling and that pretending nothing’s wrong is going to make things worse in the long run.”

 

Carisi turned to face Barba. “But this is different. It’s me we’re talking about.”

 

“How does that make it different?”

 

“Because…”

 

“Because why?”

 

Carisi took a deep breath. “Because I’m a cop.”

 

“So you’re telling me if Rollins was crying because of a case you would tell her to suck it up?”

 

“No. Again, that’s different.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Because she’s,” Carisi hesistated. “Because she’s a girl. I’m a guy. I’m not supposed to cry over stupid things like this.”

 

Barba stared at Carisi, dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe that those words just came out of his mouth. 

 

“So because you have a penis, you’re not allowed to cry?” Barba asked.

 

Carisi was silent. 

 

“Carisi, my father told me that all the time when I was growing up. I was his only kid, only son for that matter. We were a Cubano family living in the Bronx. I was supposed to be tough and strong at all times. But that’s not who I was. I preferred reading in the library alone to playing street sports. Sure, I had the mouth of a tough Cubano, but not the fists. Luckily I had some close friends who did. I think my father would’ve been more proud of me if I had joined a street gang instead of going off to Harvard.”

 

“Seriously?” Carisi asked.

 

Barba chuckled. “I’m pretty sure.”

 

“My, uh, father is kind of like that, too.”

 

Barba nodded. “Carisi, it’s healthy and normal to cry. It’s also healthy and normal to ask for help. Talk to the rest of the squad. I’m sure they’ll have some stories to tell. And don’t be afraid to talk to me.”

 

Carisi gave Barba a small smile. “Thank you. I will.”

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
